Saturday, December 24, 2011


Yesterday was a very dark day for me.  I'm trying to go with the flow...feeling sad, when it hits me and feeling happy when those days come.  I've been busy building my family unit for the last 22 years.  I've been busy growing up and being a Mother and a wife.  It has been my identity for 22 years...

Now I am lost....I dont know where I belong anymore.  I am still a Mother, that will always be a huge part of my identity...but there needs to be more.  I have faith that I will find where I belong, but in the mean time I feel like I am in limbo.  I feel lost and am not quite sure what to do with myself.  I have moments of pitch black darkness, that hit me like a wave.  They make me wish to be done with this life on earth.  They make me wish for my heart to stop beating.  They make me wish that I could just float away, back to home...But I know that is not possible.  My children need me, and I would never leave them.  I know we have so many wonderful moments in our future...I'm holding on to those moments with every breath I take.

I'm writing all of this, so that I may release it from my heart.  I know it is dark and ugly, but it is the truth...the very simple truth.  Today I will get dressed.  Today I will sign up for a membership at 24 hour fitness.  Today I will take a positive step forward.  Today I will let my sadness sit, while I put myself on auto pilot and do what I know I must do to get better.  Today I will push through the dark, and find the light anyways...


  1. Dear dear Kelly ... you are not alone in that darkness. I too have been dealing with a lot of the same and saying the same things. I was on an up hill climb and counting my blessings, only to find out last night that my fiance had passed away. I am again in darkess... alone... again. No family coming for Christmas...my friends cancelled coming to my house... so Alone I will be. You are a bright shining star dear one !! You will find your light, your wings and fly again !! Know that you are deeply loved !! Hugs, Kristy,Angel and the gang !!!

  2. hi kelly,

    i am glad you are grieving and being honest about it. sometimes it seems like we aren't allowed to because many others are in worst shape, but you are doing the healthy thing by opening up and sharing your feelings, and knowing that you are too needed here on this earth to leave it yet.

    i am sorry you are hurting so and i wish i could hang out on your couch with you and cry and drink vino and laugh. it's good to let it all out, but i know the darkness that you talk about hitting you all of a sudden, knocking you off your feet.

    you are beautiful and strong and loved and this you will survive. think of what you've survived in the past, you've proven it already!

    i hope tomorrow is a brighter day. love and hugs and kisses to you!


  3. Im so sorry that you are feeling so sad, it breaks my heart and i so feel your pain, I was there so long ago and my children are what have kept me going and also just that life is worth living even though we sometimes encounter pain and darkness,everyday is a struggle but we must keep living the beautiful gift we where given,Life:O) I send hugs and love andwishes for a brighter tommorow, you are not alone:O) Isabel

  4. I love you Kelly! I'm sorry you have to feel this darkness right now... it WILL go away, I promise. I remember feeling the same things and just hold on and keep being brave! I'm always here for you if you need an ear!!

  5. I am sorry you are hurting and feeling so lost at the moment.The feeling will go away I can promise you that.One day you will wake up and feel so much stronger and so proud of yourself for letting go.

    I can still remember when my first marriage was over and I initiated it.I knew that I had to let go of something that was not good for my daughters or me.I felt like my world was ending and what would I do with myself.

    I had something that my ex could never take away from me my soul.I started creating and 23 years later and a new marriage of 13 of those years and I am happy and have 4 more children.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is to embrace it and then let it go and it will go away.Fill your days with things you would never have thought to do while you were still married.

    I wish you many blessings from our dear saviour who will keep you safe and you will know more love then possible.