Yesterday...

Yesterday was a very dark day for me.  I'm trying to go with the flow...feeling sad, when it hits me and feeling happy when those days come.  I've been busy building my family unit for the last 22 years.  I've been busy growing up and being a Mother and a wife.  It has been my identity for 22 years...

Now I am lost....I dont know where I belong anymore.  I am still a Mother, that will always be a huge part of my identity...but there needs to be more.  I have faith that I will find where I belong, but in the mean time I feel like I am in limbo.  I feel lost and am not quite sure what to do with myself.  I have moments of pitch black darkness, that hit me like a wave.  They make me wish to be done with this life on earth.  They make me wish for my heart to stop beating.  They make me wish that I could just float away, back to home...But I know that is not possible.  My children need me, and I would never leave them.  I know we have so many wonderful moments in our future...I'm holding on to those moments with every breath I take.

I'm writing all of this, so that I may release it from my heart.  I know it is dark and ugly, but it is the truth...the very simple truth.  Today I will get dressed.  Today I will sign up for a membership at 24 hour fitness.  Today I will take a positive step forward.  Today I will let my sadness sit, while I put myself on auto pilot and do what I know I must do to get better.  Today I will push through the dark, and find the light anyways...