Friday, June 29, 2012

a very dark post....

This is going to be a very dark post....

Change....not sure I'm doing so great these days.  Sometimes I think its getting harder, rather than easier.  I thought each day was going to be closer to the end/beginning...but I'm not so sure that is happening.  Everything is empty right now.  Time is moving so so slowly.  When I am alone, time almost stands still and I can barely stand it.

All I feel is the hole in my heart getting bigger and darker.  It feels like hope is drifting away.   Some days the depression sinks in so deeply that it begins to make sense...that scares me.

I keep on seeing this memory in my head...pretty much every day now....it's a horrible memory...

I lived in Taiwan, for 2 1/2 years, in 1995-96. The weather was hot and humid.  It was a very dirty city, trash littered on the roads, and there were so many stray dogs, everywhere.  These dogs roamed the streets.  They were full of disease, some with almost no fur, and open sores.  You could tell that some were dying a very slow death...they would walk around like zombies, even in the open traffic.  It was so hard to see this every day.  The memory that keeps flooding my mind is this... A car is parked on the side of the road, and the traffic and people walk by, going about their everyday business.  Under the car is a female dog, in heat.  She is huddled, alone, under the center of the car.  Surrounding the car are about 10 male dogs, maybe more...they are all in a frenzy to mate with her.  They are sick and hungry and tired and hot, and so is she.  But she is scared, and trying to keep away from them...but one by one, they take turns, sometimes fighting with each other to get to her.  There is nothing she can do, but endure each rape.  And it just goes on and on.

It is one of the most painful memories I have...and there was nothing I could do to help her.  And lately this memory keeps haunting me...I cry when I write this and I cried when I saw this...
I just dont understand life anymore...and it seems it keeps confusing me more and more....


  1. Kelly
    I'm sorry you are having a rough time.
    As my Mom recently said to me...Count your blessings one by one, then you can see what God has done. Paint your feelings.
    I'll say a little prayer for you.
    Create a great day!
    Campbell Jane

  2. Kelly, I'm really sorry life is so difficult for you right now. Sometimes that dark cloud of depression can just take you over and no matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to break free. Only those who have been there can understand that.

    Please, please promise... if it gets really bad you will ask for help. Talk to someone, anyone. A friend, a pastor or priest, a counselor. See your medical doctor to talk about medication if you must. You don't have to do it on your own and there is no shame is admiting that that you can't.

    Sending lots of love and prayers your way.

  3. Oh dear Kelly my heart goes out to you sweetie !! I know the darkness of depression, of loss and of change. You have gone through so much... it will get better sweetie... one day or moment at a time ! You are a beautiful soul with a heart so big.... you are so loved !!! SEnding love and hugs from Kansas... Kristy, Angel and the gang !!!

  4. I agree with Kristy and Pearle, you have gone through soo much and it will get better, it takes time. try and find a therapist that you can talk to. Im seeing one on Monday I dont like taking meds but talking seems to help me. Please find some help, Lots of hugs and love to you:O)

  5. Hi Kelly u dont know me i have u on my google reader , its funny that i know so much about u and feel your pain , i dont usually comment but i have been there and still sometimes suffer that black cloud , i agree with the others please reach out and try to take it one day at a time waking up saying today is going to be a good day and just try its all we can do really, like u my art saved me many times and we are lucky to have it.... as for your dream omg that is so horrid that poor poor dog , its a horror story and i hope u get it out of your dreams ... so sending prayers and hugz bev

  6. I am praying for you right now.

  7. Dear Kelly,
    I read your post last night and prayed for you.
    I am so sorry for the dark times you are walking through right now. You are so brave for talking about it. Hold on Kell. Sending hugs. xo

  8. Sometimes thoughts can be very hard to deal with or get past. Sometimes we think too much. Try not to let your mind dwell in sadness or sorrow. Because if you do, it can take you down with it. Instead try to focus your thoughts on the blessings, miracles, beauty and joy in the world. Hugs

  9. Kelly you don't know me but I pop into your blog occasionally because I love your artwork.I apologize in advance if what i say is out of line, but you seem dangerously down right now. Please seek help for yourself. Sometimes you cant rise above the darkness on your own. It happens, and sometimes, no matter how much you don't want to, medication may be the only help that can lift you up, when nothing else can. Taking meds can be temporary just to get going. Please consider talking to a professional if you are not already. praying and wishing you the best.