Life keeps changing, constantly….I can only think that is a good thing, even when it hurts. Im 60 this year. It feels like an important number. I know age is just a number-but this one feels different. Im changing, I feel it happening. It feels like this number somehow gives me some “secret permission” to change. So ridiculous, I know. Silly.
My kids are grown now. Son is 35 with a beautiful family. They live in China. But he keeps me so connected with pictures, phone calls and FaceTime that I feel like they live next door. He honestly gives me so much pride and joy. Just the fact that he is happy and shares his life with me, means everything to me.
My daughter is 33 and has had the most horrific year that you could imagine. I wont go into all of the details (even if I did, they would all sound unbelievable and exaggerated-unfortunately they are not). But she has found the light at the end of the tunnel, thank God! Her struggles have taken their toll on all of us who continue to help her through this rough patch. My grandsons are still thriving and blossoming and that is such a blessing. Autism is a curse and a gift. We are all learning so much as they grow and change. They are almost 7 (February 27). They are pure of heart and soul. They are beautiful and complicated and I love them with my whole heart. I will never abandon them no matter what comes next. I know my daughter is going through so much, but she remains faithful to them even in the hardest of moments. I have a deep respect for her as a mother and that makes me very proud of her. I only hope she knows that I feel that way. Im old enough and wise enough to know that some of life’s best and most powerful moments are wrapped in the most difficult of times. The cracks are where the light comes in. No truer sentence has ever been said.
Im realizing that I don’t come from your “typical” family. Or maybe I do. Maybe most families are full of dysfunctional characters and afflictions? My gut says that is true-but I wish it wasn’t. I wish I was from a family where each character played their part in the best possible way. But unfortunately that isn’t always the case.
Throughout this time in America, some of us are struggling every day that Trump is in office. His lack of compassion and any sense of morality, has torn my relationship with my own Mom apart. This break in our bond has been painful to say the least. Im 60 years old and feel as if I’ve been abandoned. It’s strange to be in this position. Of course I have my own life, my own family, but to have your own mother tell you she is “ending our relationship” is strange. Ive been doing everything I could to avoid politics and stay in a neutral space. I felt it was my duty to “love them anyway”. And I did that, for years now. Even thought my moral compass does not align with her and my dads at all. That fact has had me dealing with so much internal conflict. So many ‘excuses” I have tried to give them. ( my Dad has respected my request for a “no politics policy” between us, but my Mom continued to be passive aggressive about it, always trying to get some sort of comment in here and there. I bit my tongue for the most part, and when I couldn’t, and tried to have an actual conversation with her, she would melt down, within a minute or two. It wasn’t a good thing, So now her and I are estranged. Im hurt and relieved at the same time. It’s confusing…. To be continued. Goodnight
