Writing can be such a release...I'm doing much better since I wrote all that yuck down in my blog. Perhaps this life and the sufferings that exist on this earth, will never make sense to me...So I will try to remind myself daily, that there is only today. I will strive for balance and peace today, only this day. Then each morning when I wake, that will be my daily goal. I can do this.... Thank you for your sweet words of encouragement...I know life is difficult for all of us at times. We cannot change the past, and we cannot control the future. There is only today :) Love to you, from me....
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
a very dark post....
This is going to be a very dark post....
Change....not sure I'm doing so great these days. Sometimes I think its getting harder, rather than easier. I thought each day was going to be closer to the end/beginning...but I'm not so sure that is happening. Everything is empty right now. Time is moving so so slowly. When I am alone, time almost stands still and I can barely stand it.
All I feel is the hole in my heart getting bigger and darker. It feels like hope is drifting away. Some days the depression sinks in so deeply that it begins to make sense...that scares me.
I keep on seeing this memory in my head...pretty much every day now....it's a horrible memory...
I lived in Taiwan, for 2 1/2 years, in 1995-96. The weather was hot and humid. It was a very dirty city, trash littered on the roads, and there were so many stray dogs, everywhere. These dogs roamed the streets. They were full of disease, some with almost no fur, and open sores. You could tell that some were dying a very slow death...they would walk around like zombies, even in the open traffic. It was so hard to see this every day. The memory that keeps flooding my mind is this... A car is parked on the side of the road, and the traffic and people walk by, going about their everyday business. Under the car is a female dog, in heat. She is huddled, alone, under the center of the car. Surrounding the car are about 10 male dogs, maybe more...they are all in a frenzy to mate with her. They are sick and hungry and tired and hot, and so is she. But she is scared, and trying to keep away from them...but one by one, they take turns, sometimes fighting with each other to get to her. There is nothing she can do, but endure each rape. And it just goes on and on.
It is one of the most painful memories I have...and there was nothing I could do to help her. And lately this memory keeps haunting me...I cry when I write this and I cried when I saw this...
I just dont understand life anymore...and it seems it keeps confusing me more and more....
Change....not sure I'm doing so great these days. Sometimes I think its getting harder, rather than easier. I thought each day was going to be closer to the end/beginning...but I'm not so sure that is happening. Everything is empty right now. Time is moving so so slowly. When I am alone, time almost stands still and I can barely stand it.
All I feel is the hole in my heart getting bigger and darker. It feels like hope is drifting away. Some days the depression sinks in so deeply that it begins to make sense...that scares me.
I keep on seeing this memory in my head...pretty much every day now....it's a horrible memory...
I lived in Taiwan, for 2 1/2 years, in 1995-96. The weather was hot and humid. It was a very dirty city, trash littered on the roads, and there were so many stray dogs, everywhere. These dogs roamed the streets. They were full of disease, some with almost no fur, and open sores. You could tell that some were dying a very slow death...they would walk around like zombies, even in the open traffic. It was so hard to see this every day. The memory that keeps flooding my mind is this... A car is parked on the side of the road, and the traffic and people walk by, going about their everyday business. Under the car is a female dog, in heat. She is huddled, alone, under the center of the car. Surrounding the car are about 10 male dogs, maybe more...they are all in a frenzy to mate with her. They are sick and hungry and tired and hot, and so is she. But she is scared, and trying to keep away from them...but one by one, they take turns, sometimes fighting with each other to get to her. There is nothing she can do, but endure each rape. And it just goes on and on.
It is one of the most painful memories I have...and there was nothing I could do to help her. And lately this memory keeps haunting me...I cry when I write this and I cried when I saw this...
I just dont understand life anymore...and it seems it keeps confusing me more and more....
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