Some progress....

I've been working on this for a couple of hours now....Here's what it looks like now....

Beginning another painting....

Well, today was a better day...I joined the gym.  I even worked out!  AND...I started another painting....

I know if I keep taking the positive steps, even if I feel like I'm faking it, things will begin to get better.  That is my plan... I will just keep taking steps...one after the other :)

Yesterday...

Yesterday was a very dark day for me.  I'm trying to go with the flow...feeling sad, when it hits me and feeling happy when those days come.  I've been busy building my family unit for the last 22 years.  I've been busy growing up and being a Mother and a wife.  It has been my identity for 22 years...

Now I am lost....I dont know where I belong anymore.  I am still a Mother, that will always be a huge part of my identity...but there needs to be more.  I have faith that I will find where I belong, but in the mean time I feel like I am in limbo.  I feel lost and am not quite sure what to do with myself.  I have moments of pitch black darkness, that hit me like a wave.  They make me wish to be done with this life on earth.  They make me wish for my heart to stop beating.  They make me wish that I could just float away, back to home...But I know that is not possible.  My children need me, and I would never leave them.  I know we have so many wonderful moments in our future...I'm holding on to those moments with every breath I take.

I'm writing all of this, so that I may release it from my heart.  I know it is dark and ugly, but it is the truth...the very simple truth.  Today I will get dressed.  Today I will sign up for a membership at 24 hour fitness.  Today I will take a positive step forward.  Today I will let my sadness sit, while I put myself on auto pilot and do what I know I must do to get better.  Today I will push through the dark, and find the light anyways...

ESCAPE

Well, I think its all finished.   I'm calling this piece ESCAPE
Hope you like....it's a bit different for me, but I'm happy with how it turned out.

Escape
Acrylic
18 x 24

A beautiful quote....

Just wanted to share this beautiful quote....
"Saying yes, opening up, and loving:  these are the keys that will unlock the prison door."

Arnaud Desjardins

still working on it....

more changes, not sure about the drops....its fun for me to keep moving with this one-I have no clue how it will turn out.  :)

still changing....

It keeps morphing....

still progressing....

a little more....

A little more progress....

the beginnings of a new painting....

Started a new painting last night.....

my thoughts....

Who knew life could be so complicated?  I have faith that the darkest times are when our souls  have the most opportunities to grow.  I do believe that  pain and struggles lead us to peace and enlightenment.  Logically, I know these facts to be true,  but it is so hard when things feel off.  It's like time slows down, and the pain is felt longer...why must it hurt so much to grow?  Why is it so hard to hold on to the hope, when it is dark?  How is it that the darkness can make everything feel so unfamiliar?  How is it that the most simple, human need...to feel loved, can be such a difficult thing to attain?

These are some of my thoughts for today, as I try to make sense of my current situation.  These are some of my questions, as I try to hold on to faith and hope.